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==Microsoft And Yale Conclude Agreement To License Technology For Haskell==

===Microsoft Demonstrates Haskell-Compatible Browser and Tools===

'''NEW HAVEN''' - April 1, 1998 - At a press conference today Microsoft Corp.
(Nasdaq: MSFT) announced it has concluded an agreement to license the
Haskell programming language and related technology for inclusion in
Microsoft products.  As part of this agreement Microsoft will develop
and maintain the reference implementation of Haskell for Windows(R)
platforms, such as the Windows(R)98 and Windows NT(R) operating system. 

Also, Microsoft demonstrated a number of Haskell-compatible
technologies collectively code-named "Curry."  The technologies
demonstrated included Haskell support in the Microsoft Internet
Explorer 5.0 Web browser using a built-in, high performance
just-in-time (JIT) compiler; an integrated development tool Haskell;
and integration of the Haskell language with industry-standard
component object model (COM) objects through Microsoft ActiveX(TM)
Technologies for the Internet and PC.  Microsoft further outlined its
plans for Haskell support, indicating that future versions of
Microsoft Internet Explorer for Windows and Apple(R) Macintosh(R) will
include the ability to run Haskell applets distributed through the
World Wide Web. The company also outlined plans to create a
high-productivity development tool for Haskell, based on its
award-winning Developer Studio technology. 

Microsoft is currently being sued by Sun over trademark infringement
issues relating to its licensing of Java technology from Sun.  A
U.S. District Court judge granted Sun Microsystems Inc.'s request for
a preliminary injunction that prevents Microsoft from using Sun's
Java Compatible(TM) logo to promote and distribute its Internet
Explorer 4.0 and related products.  In response, Microsoft has taken
the unprecedented step of completely abandoning Java in favor of what
they consider to be "a vastly superior programming language
technology" in the words of Microsoft founder Bill Gates.

In a project that has been kept under wraps ever since the initial
adoption of Java, a team of Microsoft researchers has prepared an
alternative programming language for use in case of a serious dispute
with Sun over the future of the Java language.  After evaluating many
programming languages, the team settled on Haskell as being the best
alternative to Java.  According to Chris Fraser, a Microsoft research
scientist, "Haskell's polymorphic type system is far superior to
the one developed for Java."  Also, he asserts that "purely functional
programs are the wave of the future: object oriented programming has
reached a dead end."  As other developers integrated Java into
Microsoft products such as the Internet Explorer, this "shadow team"
created secret versions of these same products using Haskell instead
of Java.  The team leader, Conal Elliott, asserts that due to the
elegance and expressiveness of Haskell, his team was able to
completely duplicate the work being done with Java using only a tenth
of the manpower.  As all tools needed to switch from Java to Haskell
are already in place, Microsoft expects to completely purge its
products of Java within a period of less than two months.

"Haskell technology will provide a great way for our developer
customers to create innovative applications for the Web," said Dave
Hanson, vice president of development tools at Microsoft.  "We intend
to be the premier supplier of Haskell-compatible tools to Internet
developers."

"Microsoft's commitment to Haskell is both impressive and
comprehensive, and this agreement makes them one of the
leading Haskell supporters," said Paul Hudak, the former head of the
Haskell committee.  "Microsoft's licensing of Haskell broadens support
of the technology significantly."  

"Integrating the Haskell language with COM is something our customers and
ISV partners think is extremely important," said Erik Meijer, the new
senior vice president of Internet platforms and tools, at
Microsoft. "It brings a whole new dimension to Haskell: a clear path
for integration with existing applications, systems and
technologies. It means that you don't have to start over to take
advantage of Haskell."  

Current Haskell developers reacted with both joy and concern at this
announcement.  Simon Peyton-Jones, a prominent Haskell implementor,
said "I guess this means the end of our research efforts here.  There
is no way a small research group such as ours can compete with
Microsoft."  At Yale, Alastair Reid was more optimistic: "Now I can
get out of this hellhole in New Haven and get a real job at
Microsoft."  In fact, many Haskell developers are expected to join
a new Microsoft research group in Nottingham, England which will be
headed by Mark Jones, a prominent Haskell researcher.  Dr. Jones
explained that "they wanted me to come to Redmond but I decided to
remain here in Nottingham.  When they decided to build a research
center here for me I was thrilled!"

Additional information on Microsoft Corporation is available
on the Internet at http://www.microsoft.com. Additional information on
Haskell is available on the Internet at http://www.haskell.org.

Microsoft Windows, Windows NT and ActiveX are either
registered trademarks or trademarks of Microsoft Corp. in
the United States and/or other countries. 
----
This bogus press release made the rounds on April Fools Day, 1998.
Not long after this was released, Simon Peyton Jones announced his
move to Microsoft (an event that caught the author of this press
release by complete suprise!).

=== Imitations ===

This joke inspired copies from many other PL communities; here's a sample: http://wiki.cs.uiuc.edu/VisualWorks/Microsoft+Press+Release

[[Category:Humor]]